When I write it is similar to when I preach. Thinking about the meditations for much longer than it takes to sit down and type out the words. The whole process, the thinking, the planning, then the actual writing, is a sacred time and space. When it is done well, it isn’t last minute, throwing something together. The meditations are written in groups, on days when I do not allow myself to be distracted by email, meetings, or actually – conversations with people. I have to be in a deep, quiet space with God.
Tuesday was that day. Beginning a day after a powerful, spiritual Vision Team meeting that was the last thing I did before going to sleep, I knew this was that sacred time and space. Wanting to write the next several days of meditations and work on the message for Sunday and Christmas Eve, the only email I opened was today’s devotion.. I wanted to see what your experience would be like reading a West meditation first thing in the morning.
And doggone it, the stuff I say about God is really real!!!! (I know that, of course, but am always struck by how God shows up just when we need that assurance and presence).
Monday I had a little window of being in a “funk.” Not sure why, but just seemed to be wrestling with things. Thanks to years of therapy, I have discovered that I have an intense fear of abandonment. Stems from my infancy lacking mirroring because my mom was in ICU for pretty much the first entire year of my life, then her sudden death in the middle of a worship service – with my 9-year old friends standing with me on the stage singing a Bible School song as she suffered a cerebral aneurysm. Those things, coupled with some other things during my journey, have caused this innate fear of abandonment. I can’t quite figure out what the triggers are for that, but sometimes out of hte blue, I get this deep fear that those I love the most are going to leave.
Because of said therapy, I at least now KNOW that is what is happening. And instead of reacting out of my “chimp brain,” (fight or flight mode), I hold that space, try to feel the feelings, and then talk myself through those feelings with facts. That was able to happen yesterday, maybe for the first time. And after a few minutes, I was back on track with my day.
It wasn’t until reading today’s meditation that I had that God moment of “Aha!”
“Signs. They are real and if they happened in Hebrew scriptures, why do we doubt they happen today?
Are we connected enough, aware enough to recognize the signs?
For Ahaz the sign was to prove the point that he wasn’t alone. That God would be with in him and through all storms.
I guarantee you we get those same signs in our lives when it seems all is falling apart. Are we willing to see those signs? “
Last night’s Vision Team member’s sharing and then this morning, some events that happened in my personal life, all pointed to addressing those innate fears I had of being abandoned Monday.
I plainly heard God’s nudging, “Just as you said it to them, the same holds true for you. There does not have to be a What If because I am always with you in the What Is! Just lean on me. I’ve got you.
The presence of God was palpable.
Will you slow down enough today, be quiet enough today, so that you fear and feel that presence of God?
It’s real. It does not leave us or forsake us.
Grace and Peace,
Andrea