Have you ever been in an argument with a colleague, friend, or spouse/significant other and you find it is cyclical? Regardless of what you say or do, the argument continues and nothing seems to bring it to an end.

Odds are, if that is happening, all people involved in the argument are not providing the others with what they need.

When we don’t get what we need in our relationships, 9 times out of 10 we dig in our heels and forget to focus on others, we become laser-targeted on ourselves.

And the cycle continues.

One thing that is helpful in all relationships is to be able to articulate clearly and without emotion what we need.

Below are what the different temperament types need. And these are “innate needs” . . . not just superficial desires for affirmation. When we receive what our temperament needs, we are able to function out of our best selves. It is a game-changer in all relationships.

Remember, the greatest commandment Jesus gave was to love God as we love ourselves and love one another. Paying attention to the needs of others is how we love one another

Yellow (Sanguine) Innate Needs: 

Approval: “That’s great!” “Yes, that’s what I was seeking/looking for!”

Acceptance: “You are perfect just the way you are. You do not need to change for me.”

Attention: “Would you like to go grab dinner?” “How is work/school going?”

Affection: Physical touch at the appropriate level for the relationship

Red (Cholerics) Innate Needs: 

Loyalty: “I’m sorry that happened to you, I have your back.”

Sense of Control: When there is a plan, follow the plan. Communicate deviations from plans.

Appreciation; “Thank you for doing _______. It made a difference by _________.”

Credit for Work: “You really bring so much to this team. I appreciate how you led our sales this year!”

Phlegmatics (Green) Innate Needs:

Harmony: Lack of conflict, everyone gets along and there is no drama.

Feeling of Worth: “You matter so much to me/this organization because ____________.”

Lack of Stress: Things happen without drama and conflict.

Respect: “I hear you and your concerns. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.”

Melancholics (Blue) Innate Needs: 

Safety: “You are not in this alone. I am right beside you all the way. I’m here for whatever you need.”

Sensitivity: Listen to them, do not devalue their thoughts and feelings.

Space and Silence: After being “on” for awhile, they need time to recharge and decompress. Don’t take it personally.