What does a good fight look like?


That is one of the questions I ask a couple to answer before I officiate their marriage.

Every couple that I have the honor of officiating at their marriage has to go through “pre-marital counseling.”
There is no “skirting” the sessions . . . we spend anywhere from 4 – 7 hours together talking about what it means to dive into this thing called “marriage.”


Why so much time?
Because when two people, no matter how IN LOVE they are at the time, try to morph into functioning as one – a family – there will be difficult bumps in the road. My role is to equip them with a few tools to help navigate the bumps.


One of those tools is to learn what a good fight looks like.


If a couple says, “we have never fought” . . . . that is a red flag.

A fight isn’t coming to blows, but rather a disagreement in which hurtful words or actions are used and as a result, the other person finds him/herself feeling wounded or hurt.


Most people disagree about something, sometime! No two people are in perfect harmony always . . . thus we talk about what a good fight looks like.


I am looking for “how” they fight and “how” they reach resolve.


One of the most difficult things for us to do in our relationships with others is say those two magic, difficult, yet powerful words . . . “I’m sorry!”


Why do we have such a hard time saying we are sorry?


Because . . .

It makes us vulnerable!

It causes us to admit we are wrong!

It forces us to conduct self-examination and acknowledge our areas of weakness or imperfection.


Thomas A Kempis said, “The acknowledgement of our weakness is the first step in repairing our loss.”

Therefore, one of the first steps in bringing resolution to a “good fight” is saying, “I’m sorry!”


The same is true in our spiritual lives. When we find ourselves feeling as if there is a barrier to God and we just don’t know why, maybe we should start out with saying, “I’m sorry.”


When we say “I’m sorry” to God we are saying, “I acknowledge what you already know.”


1 John 1:9-10The Message (MSG)

If we claim that we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins-make a clean breast of them-he won’t let us down; he’ll be true to himself. He’ll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we’ve never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God-make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God.



Thoughts to Ponder:

  • What is the last fight you had with someone that you could have said, “I’m sorry” sooner than you did?
  • What kept you from saying “I’m sorry?”
  • Try praying, “I’m sorry . . .” to God . . . see where that goes and see if there is a freeing feeling that comes from knowing that you are loved, no matter what.